Lets talk about the ‘hushed’

In one year, Thirty-two percent of people in the US will go through this.

Most people don’t like to talk about it.

But this time were gonna. Here’s the  brutal truth so lets talk about it…

Lets talk about Rape…

Unfortunately, its not easy to talk about, or even think about. When most people think of rape they think about the classic ‘Stranger on the street’ or ‘The internet predator.’ But what if it was someone you trusted?

What if it was someone who loved you?

I was 16. During the summer the park by my house is ‘the spot’ where everyone went. Thats where we met. At first, we just flirted. He was a little older, that’s where the attraction started. Besides, he was smart, tall, funny and SOO cute. As the summer went on the flirting didn’t stop, but no moves had been made. At the summers end, he finally asked for my number. Oh boy, was I thrilled. He’d text me everyday. But then the conversations got shorter and more spread apart.

Then hit the new year. He started texting me again. Once again, I was ecstatic. We didn’t start hanging out til Mid-March.

The first time we hung out, he picked me up at the park of course, because god forbid my parents needed to know anything. He drove around a bit and we just talked. He was perfect. He made me laugh, and could really hold a conversation. Then he kissed me. In Woods Road in Solvay, at the light on Milton ave. When he dropped me off, I thought I was in Heaven because that’s when you first said those three magic words. I. Love. You.

Since that moment, we were in love. Or I was. He picked me up a few more times, down the street or around the corner, of course. But then there was the night. The night you did it.

The night you raped me…

We were at your house. Your dad just left with your brother. I wish they wouldnt have ever left. We were watching ‘Coming to America.’ The first time Ive ever seen it. To this day, I cant watch that movie. You started kissing me, and that was okay. You asked me if you could ‘Go down on me’ and I agreed. But then, you came back up to kiss me again. I tried to pull my pants back on and you told me ‘No, its okay,’ and of course, you loved me so I believed you. But what happens next is not okay…

You took off a red Nike T-shirt you were wearing. Next, You pulled your penis over the waist band of your black  basketball shorts. I Jumped a little bit when I saw. I knew I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. But that didn’t matter. Because he lied on top on me, and intertwined his fingers with mine in a quick, but romantic way.  He then tried to force himself into me. I told him to stop. I told him no. But he told me ‘Its okay. I love you.’ Even though I repeatedly told him to stop. But eventually, I had no fight. I wanted to die. With tears streaming down my  silent face, I stared at a rose taped to your wall, with a small picture next to it.

After you finished. You basically threw my clothes at me, got ready to go out, dropped me off and went to a bar.  How I felt had no affect on you. But now lets talk about how it effected me…

“Its okay, I love you”

For a while I thought this was love. Because he kept saying it he meant it right?

I wish I asked who that picture was of. Because when the girl in the picture found out, she wasn’t happy.It was his girlfriend. He didn’t even say he had a girlfriend.  She saw our text messages and didn’t call me to scream and yell at me. She called the police. When the detective called my mom, she called me and told me to go home and stay there till she got there. It scared me. Then she asked about him. When she asked about him, and if I had sex with him I told her yes. I didn’t tell her it was rape. She asked if It was something I wanted. I lied and told her yes. But it was an issue because he was 21 and I was 16. Age of consent in NY? 17. Statutory rape is what he got hit with. 5 Months in jail. Why so little? Because I thought he loved me. I cried and screamed when he raped me but defended him and said I wanted it. Why did I do that? Because he said he loved me. I realized it was rape shortly after you told your girlfriend and everyone else how I wanted it, but it meant nothing. SO thank you for fucking my heart up. I didn’t even know what love was but that’s the shit ‘love’ will do to you…

How it goes now…

13 Reasons Why is a new show on Netflix, thats based off of a book. The girl recalls 13 Reasons why she killed herself. One of the reasons, was because she was raped. When you’re raped, you’d rather die than be where you are and in that moment. All I wanted was to die. What he did to me, made me hate my body. I felt disgusting. I just wanted to leave my body, but you cant. And you cant do anything. But cry.

I cant watch rape scenes without having a flashback from your bedroom and the rose taped to the wall.

I cant handle people even joking about rape without losing my shit.

I cant even have men look at me for too long without being uncomfortable.

I dont trust anyone.

And its all your fault.

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